Dear mug.. sorry customer,
The significant downturn in the economy has continued. This situation has meant we've had to carry out regular reviews of our customer's accounts to see where we can rob them blind even more than we already do... sorry, meet their needs at this difficult time.
We have therefore taken the difficult (ha ha ha ha ha ha!.... ahem he he cough)...ahem... decision... to increase our interest rate to 39.94% pa to prevent our profits falling below £5000 zillion pounds... em... sorry due to difficult economic circumstances.
We realise due to the aforementioned economic downturn this will probably fuck you up, but you are poor and indebted up to your eyeballs due to our crippling and parasitic interest rates and therefore can't do anything about it. So we don't give a shit.
You should read the "Questions and answers" smoke and mirrors... sorry.. guidance leaflet enclosed, so that we can bullshit you some more about how this action is unavoidable blah blah.... huge bonuses to pay for...blah blah... yacht to hire for the director's bash... blah blah... we want bail outs not regulation... blah blah.... socialism for the rich a boot in the teeth for everyone else...blah blah.
Thank you for being a Capital One mug... sorry customer.
We look forward to bleeding you dry until you are a shrivelled shell of something that used to resemble a human being.
Richard Fairbank
Chief Executive Officer
Capital One Financial Corporation
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